Hiatus

Temporarily on Hiatus

Persephone Learns to Juggle

To say it's been an eventful week / weekend might be the understatement of the century.

My week went off the rails schedule and diet wise between coming down with food posioning and canceling the gym and bowling.

However, from a personal standpoint, my week incorporated new people in a bigger way than I've been accustomed to in a long while.

The weekend also took a few pleasantly unexpected turns.

I think I am ok with the variance in the diet and strict as hell schedule keeping, considering I actually accomplished all of my major goals this week.

I carved out time to complete a paper (my final) for a class and passed it with the best possible score on the first try.

I honored a commitment to a dear friend by facing my fear of mailing things to mail her a book ON the day I said I'd mail it.  (This is big, it's a randomly strong phobia.)

I let a very new person into my personal space and didn't become a shaking mess.  (HUGE)

I did grown up and responsible medical things.  (OK, I do that a lot, but I was nervous about this.)

I got to catch up and go shopping with another friend and we both needed the hang out time.

I even managed to get 5 games of focused bowling practice in.  They were frustrating games, but I had time with my coach and worked on new angles, so it was a good frustrating in a way.

The only thing I didn't get done was grocery shopping, but I'll just add that to tomorrow and should be fine.

The point is - I'm getting better at this whole gray area thing.

Baby Steps for the Baby Mama

Last post I talked about dietary requirements for pregnancy.  It was rather prophetic, as I had my appointment on Monday.  I've gained too much weight.  My sciatic nerve is being pinched, which causes numbness and shooting pain all down my leg.  On the bright side, we heard Zoid's heartbeat and it's 150bpm, right smack dab in the middle of the range.

My husband suggested we walk together in the evenings.  Last night was evening number one, and it went rather well.  His pace is naturally faster than mine since he's quite a bit taller.  It was a great pace for me.

I use the Babycenter website for all kinds of baby-related information.  Here is their article on walking for exercise during pregnancy.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to start keeping a food diary in the hopes that I'll be able to figure out where I'm going wrong with my diet.

Friday I go to a physical therapist for my sciatic nerve issue.

I sure hope the nesting instinct kicks in soon.  My house is a wreck.

Persephone needs a Mirror

Not the normal reflective kind of mirror...the soul kind.

Asking myself some big questions today, not sure I'm liking the answers.  What I do know is that I'm being forced into a situation that is growing untenable for me.  How much is it worth it to me to maintain the status quo?

I hate when my loyalties are divided and I hate feeling powerless.

Vague post is vague.

Persephone Battles Anxiety

Anxiety.

The word looks so benign sitting there on the page.  It's small, almost even cute.

There is nothing cute about anxiety.

In a way, I almost envy people who have full blown panic attacks.  I mean, not really, because those suck beyond measure, but at least in the middle of a panic attack, you KNOW what you're fighting.

My anxiety is a sneaky little bastard.

Today is a really big day for me, for reasons I can't actually talk about just yet.  Months of preparation have gone into today, and until earlier this week, I was totally sure I was 100% on top of it.

Until I wasn't.

Over the past few days, what started as little nibbles of doubt and fear in the back of my brain grew. 

And grew.

Today anxiety launched a full scale battle on my system.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Today anxiety won.

Tomorrow, I will.

Abby is flummoxed by food.

Everyone has advice for pregnant women.  Some of it makes sense, some of it is just silly, and people love to share it all.  I've learned the polite thing to do is nod, say thank you, and then do what you find is best.  

I'm reading pregnancy books, looking at pregnancy websites, and have (of course) consulted by doctor about all sorts of things.  One thing that has me perplexed is the Pregnancy Diet (cue appropriate lightning and thunder crashing of doom).  

Two things you need to know about my situation before I go further.

1.  I greatly dislike cooking.  I consider it a waste of time which could be spent doing more productive things.  It's an especially good argument considering all the prepared food options out there.  Why take time to cook when I could just grab food and go?  

2.  My husband loves to cook.  He is not home until the end of July.

So, here I am trying to figure out what I can eat that is both quick and healthy.  I don't like looking for recipes or taking the time out to count my calories.  Much like cooking itself, those things are time wasters.

My doctor said 2000 calories a day, half from protein, the rest from veggies and complex carbs.  Stay away from empty calories.  No lunchmeat (listeria), no sushi (food poisoning), no alcohol, no smoking, no unpasteurized cheese (don't remember why), no bean sprouts (listeria again), no certain kinds of fish (mercury), and limit caffeine.  Don't forget my prenatal vitamins.

What to Expect When You're Expecting is a bit more specific about the food part.  That book recommends the following daily intake:

Four servings protein

Two servings vitamin C

Four servings calcium

Three servings green leafy and yellow veggies and fruits

Two servings other fruits and veggies

Six to eleven servings whole grains and legumes

Some iron rich foods

Four servings high fat foods

Moderation with the salt

Eight 8-ounce glasses of fluids

Prenatal vitamins

I thought that it'd be easy to make up a menu plan for one day and then just repeat it over and over, but apparently variety is essential to awesomeness. 

There are also a million websites about what to eat while expecting.  

So, anyone have any simple healthy recipes that I can try?  If it takes more than 30 minutes to make I won't.

I think I'm going grocery shopping on Friday.

P.S.  The garden is a bust this year.  With the pregnancy and my husband's treatment, we just didn't get the tilling and planting done.  This Fall we'll prepare the soil for next spring.

Seph's Lost Week

I've been too sick to post.  I've been basically useless all week.  Numbers?  Forget the numbers. 

House?  Too sick to clean.
Work?  Lost time.

Grr.  Arrg.

Back on Friday, with any luck.

Pregnancy Sucks

Today I asked my husband for blog ideas, and he had a really good one about how I'm actually shopping for my own food and *gasp* cooking it.  However, it's now after 1 AM.  I'm awake because I have heartburn so bad I can't lie down.  I have heartburn because I'm pregnant.

Things I dislike about pregnancy.

1.  Pregnancy brain.  According to What to Expect when You're Expecting, pregnancy brain is caused by the same thing every other pregnancy doom is caused by; metric crap tons of hormones.  For most women, it's a temporary case of ADHD.  For me it's epic derp.  I cannot believe some of the nonsense that spews from my mouth.  speaking of which...

2.  Whoever named it "morning sickness" should be shot.  For me, it was a constant case of motion sickness that never went away for 3 months.  Now it likes to surprise me from time to time, like the ex-roommate you didn't get along with who still occasionally calls to ask if you want to go to Mass with her and her mother. 

3.  Gas.  I burp, I fart, I work with the public.  This is not a good combination.

4.  I can smell EVERYTHING.  I work with the public.  Also, not a good combination.  In these cases, epic farts come in handy.  They'll clear my work area pretty quickly.

5.  I am so very very itchy on my tummy.  

6.  My tits hurt.  I'm slowly making my way through the cup size alphabet.  This not only means I had to buy new bras (which are not at all cheap in my size) but also that I have all the knots in my back.  Also, hugging hurts.  Epic sadface.

7.  People keep treating me like I'm going to fall apart at the seams.  "No, I'll pick that up for you, you're delicate, you know.  Like an egg."  Yeah, like a kung fu egg that will punch you in your neck!

8.  Other people blaming my words, thoughts, and feelings on being pregnant.  No, it's not my pregnancy talking.  My pregnancy does all sorts of things, but I do the speaking around here.  The only difference is I took off my filter because I don't give a fuck.  Not giving a fuck is because of the pregnancy.  My attitude is simply unfiltered me.  STFU.

9.  The weird numbness in my left thigh.  I know it's Zoidburg's fault, I'm just not sure why.  Yet.

10.  I pee all the time.  Discharge.  Constipation.  Nuff said.

11.  I am so tired but I can't sleep

12.  I cry at everything.  I hate crying.

13.  I'm only going to get bigger.

I asked my sister if there's any fun stuff about being pregnant.  She has two little boys.  With a perfectly straight face she said, "Your baby will be adorable."

Be forewarned, ladies.  Being pregnant is horrible!

With all this complaining I'm doing, I have to ask myself if I'd rather not be pregnant.  The answer, amazingly enough, is no.  I'm glad I'm pregnant.  Fucking hormones.

Abby makes progress!

My friend came over yesterday at 9am bearing a chai latte and way too much energy.  3 hours later, we had a giant bag of garbage, a box ready for donation to Goodwill, 6 empty boxes, 3 totes full of yarn (and there's more yarn, oh yes there is) and a bunch of stuff put away where it actually belongs!

Proof of progress:

Empty boxes!

I has a floor!

The craft room needs a better name.  Any suggestions?

Persephone Thinks Some Birthday Thoughts

Tomorrow I turn 33.  For some reason this is bugging me more than turning 30 did.

As I got dressed for work this morning (Friday is casual day) I put on a t-shirt, jeans, high top chuck taylors, and a hoodie.

I can't decide if that's a sign that I refuse to grow up or if it's a dead giveway that I'm actually old.

Even though I kind of have the birthday blues this year, my co-workers totally rock and made me feel super special today.

I'm planning to do most of the celebrating Memorial Day weekend, because I have a very awesome friend flying into town and we have some cool things planned for that visit.

Tomorrow is basically a normal day for me, though I do have dinner plans for sushi.

I haven't been so great about getting up on time this week, so this leaves me with a question.

Tomorrow - when my alarm goes off at 7am - will I "reward" myself with the false reward of sleeping in?  Or, will I actually reward myself by getting up on time and staying committed?

I guess we'll know tomorrow.

-Seph

Abby Opens Doors

While my husband is gone, I'm going to be purging, sorting, and organizing our home.  I'm preparing for the baby, but I also want to give him a healthy home environment.  It'll help the both of us keep our sanity, serenity, and happiness.  Unfortunately, I can't do this by myself.  Being unmedicated and pregnant isn't conducive to cleaning or organizing.  

This is terribly embarrassing

So, one of my OCD librarian friends is coming on Sunday morning to terrorize my craft room.  As a step towards healing and to track progress, 

I'm going to take pictures of the process to share them with you all.

Much of this is yarn

I get overwhelmed just looking at pictures of it.  Most people don't ever see past the closed door, for obvious reasons.

I have a confession to make.  I haven't been able to get too excited about being pregnant.  I'm happy about it, definitely, but not giddy or bubbly or going crazy over baby things.  I have a tiny fearful voice in the darkest part of my mind that tells me everything good in my life will go wrong.  Now, it isn't some big debilitating belief that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It doesn't keep me from enjoying life or being a generally optimistic person.  Unfortunately, that little voice has been piping up every time I get excited about being pregnant.  I'm just superstitious enough to not type what it says.  Now that I'm past my first trimester, my risks have greatly decreased, but there are still so many things that could go wrong.  I have to comfort myself in knowing that I will do the best possible things for my baby, and that's all I can do.

Seph - what a week

So this week I stepped up the physical activity by a bajillion.

Tues/Thurs I worked out with my new personal trainer.

Wednesday I bowled six games (after having been out for about 6 months).

Saturday was my most intense tennis class yet.

You know you've hit a new level when steering the car hurts.

Still?  I absolutely loved it all.

I've always wanted to be the work hard / play hard type of person.  Working hard has always been in my wheelhouse, but the playing hard I haven't always made a priority.

Also, despite the med mishap Thursday night, I call this week a raging success.

I passed my final, turned in my writing assignment, kept my house clean, tackled the laundry and bathed in obscene amounts of Tiger Balm.

I even learned a lot from my unmedicated day.

Now I have to get set up for another week. 

-Seph

Abby

I watched the Avengers movie in IMAX 3D.  It was amazazing.  Best superhero movie ever.  Joss Whedon is my hero.

Husband would have loved to see it.  Friends all have people to go home to.  I have 2 cats who mewl at my bedroom door and want to cuddle.  I can't let them in because I can't take my allergy medicine while pregnant.

I have a sad.

Nothing to see here, no self improvement today.  Move along.

New posting schedule + Persephone is an idiot

PSA:  Abby will now be posting Weds / Sat and Seph will post Fri / Sun.

So - it's 5:15am in the morning, but it's technically Friday which makes it my posting day. 

I have been awake all night.  I gave up trying to sleep at about 3:45am, and actually got up and got dressed about 4:30am and now I am posting / studying since I have an assignment due to Long Ridge tomorrow (that I haven't started writing), and a final for WGU on Sunday.  (I'm slightly more prepared for that one.)

I originally thought maybe I couldn't sleep because I was wired from working out and then having company over, but then something told me to check my pill case.

Yeah.

I forgot to take my meds last night.

I have like all kinds of alarms and things to prevent this from happening, and it IS very rare.

What sucks is that I really thought my sleep progress was actually my own natural learning / doing - not because my medication is sedating.

Now I am awake and annoyed and kind of hungry, and I still have to go to work in 3 hours to put in a full day.

Ugh.

-Seph

Abby flies solo

My husband is gone for a while.  So, it's just me and the cats and the horribly messy unorganized borderline hoarder house.  I don't qualify as a hoarder because I don't collect things, I merely have them (in boxes).  Also, my house isn't so crowded that the only way to reach the rooms is by path.  Enough with the excuses already, amirite?

It's surprisingly peaceful on my own, but lonely.  The cats are good for snuggling.  Not so much for conversation.

I had another epiphany over the weekend.  I realized that it's rather hypocritical of me to be frustrated at my husband for not using the help available to him when I'm doing precisely the same thing.  I'm going to accept help.  Tomorrow ;)

Persephone Posts From A Clean and Organized Home

I think it's kind of funny that Abby and I both have cleaning / organizing on the brain this weekend.

The slight difference being that I am not too proud to beg for and/or buy help when I get completely overwhelmed.

I have some major schedule changes that take effect tomorrow morning - schedule changes where living in the chaos that was my apartment would become untenable. 

My apartment was, to say the least, overwhelming.

I hired a good friend of mine to tackle the living room, kitchen, and office.

I took care of the bathroom and assisted with the above - which took from 1pm yesterday until nearly 9pm last night.

This still left two major things for today - the laundry (aka Mt. Washmore) and cleaning the master bedroom.  Left alone this could have taken me the entire day - it usually does.

However, another good friend met me this morning - we went grocery shopping (random, I know) and then she tackled the laundry issue with a vengeance. 

By 3pm it was pretty much all washed/dried/put away, and the master bedroom is clean w/ fresh new sheets on the bed. 

In the middle of that I managed to make us lunch and get stuff in the Crockpot for dinner which smells heavenly right now.

The last thing I have to do to get prepared for "the great May experiment" is to get all of my schedules written for the week and assemble my binder.

Then I need to follow my night routine and set myself up for success in the morning. 

Wish me luck?

-Seph

IKEA is bad for Pregnant Abby's brain

I begin by saying that I have never liked IKEA.  If you haven't heard of IKEA, Google it.  Also, what planet do you live on exactly?

I've never known precisely why I have such aversion to the store.  Much of what they sell is cheaply made, but there are a few pieces that are quite well done.  They have products that are pretty ingenious, and everything I've seen is reasonably priced.  It's certainly more stylish than Wal-mart.

Today I finally figured it out.  It's too damn organized, and that makes me jealous and frustrated and angry with myself.

I look at the perfectly coordinated living room setups, the clever and highly functional organizational storage and think, "why the hell can't I do that?"

I don't know.  I have read books on organizing spaces.  I've looked at tons of examples.  I've tried my entire life (that I can remember) trying to figure out how to keep track of my stuff and keep it clean and not have it end up all over the place.  There's just a big gaping hole in my brain where step 2 should live.

step 1.  Buy organizing things.

step 2. Uhhhhhh.

step 3. Organized!

IKEA makes it look so damn easy, and it pisses me off.  Of course, I also found useful shiny awesome things to purchase.  "Here, IKEA, you who makes me feel inadequate and horrible, please, take my money as well.  Thank you, may I have another?"

Friends have offered to help me organize.  I thank each one sincerely, but never take them up on it.  Why?  I'm not sure, but I think it's a combination of things.

1. My house is a horribly embarrassing mess.

2. I feel I ought to be able to do it.

3. I don't want to end up on Hoarders...and I can't if no one nominates me.  They won't nominate me if they don't know.  See item 1.

4. Guilt.  Guilty guilt ridden guilt with shredded guilt on top.

What do I do?

Persephone Walks Through the Wardrobe

This pretty much sums up my day / mood prior to 6pm:

My night was salvaged by good friends and a much needed phone call.

Still, part of me just wishes I could exit the back of my closest into a far away land where I find out I'm royalty and also somehow manage to banish winter.

*grumble*

Abby - WTF

Last week was hell.  Mostly.
Monday - Husband in the hospital.
Tuesday - House robbed in the middle of the day.  SRSLY?!  Friend goes to the emergency room that night.  I pick up their daughter and watch her while friend and husband are in the hospital.
Wednesday - Finally find the cats.  They are terrified.  Talk to insurance.  Discover they are called claim adjusters because they take your claim and adjust it to what they prefer.
Thursday - Husband comes home.  Collects serial numbers and pictures and calls detective and insurance.
Friday - Bright spot: saw the Naptown Rollergirls in action.  Of course they won.
Saturday - Fancy literacy fundraising dinner with the PILs and friends.

So, it ended well anyway.  The only thing that has kept me going throughout last week was one slogan from Al Anon:  Do the next right thing.  Sometimes that thing was calling the police, others it was not telling my husband we'd been robbed until after he was past the worst parts.  On Tuesday night it was spending time with my 10 year old friend watching The Princess Bride and drinking tea while we waited for her parents to get home from the hospital.
She said, "I'm scared, Aunt Abby."
I said, "Me too."
"Whatever.  Nothing scares you, Auntie."
I just about cried.  I told her, "Sure it does.  It's what you do when you're scared that makes all the difference.  And what we do right now is send up a prayer for your mom, go home, and watch The Princess Bride."  
Her mom has completely recovered.

Random thoughts about the Flylady website.  First of all, the site was definitely designed for people with time on their hands.  The layout isn't user-friendly at all.  I had to turn off email notifications because I was getting nearly 20 emails per day with all kinds of advice for which I wasn't ready and didn't have time to read.  I find her writing style to be patronizing and annoying.  I don't like being referred to as a Precious FlyBaby.
On the other hand, the advice itself has been great.  I feel more productive in makeup, I try to shine my sink every day.  I won't be doing Day 3 because that's reading through the convoluted maze that is the Flylady site.  I stopped doing the BabySteps last week for obvious reasons, so now I'm on Day 4.  This day involves sticky notes (I dislike them) so Day 5 is to counter my negative self-defeating thoughts with happy shiny self-love.  Luckily I don't have any negative thoughts because I'm a freaking rock star.  On to Day 6!  I have to put out a Hot Spot.

A Hot Spot is an area in a room that, if left unattended, will take over and grow into a cluttery monster of epic proportions.  One of the hot spots in our house is the living room coffee table.  I think I've found another gem.  I'm going to go clean it now.  I hope the monster doesn't try to eat my fingers.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - Seph Attempts to Kick Caffeine

Well, hi.

This will be short due to the OMG MAKE IT GO AWAY headache I have.

If anyone tries to convince you that caffeine is NOT a drug, they are wrong.

I kicked caffeine once before, in 2001, and it took strep throat plus five days in bed.  I was off the stuff for over 2 years, but it only took one iced coffee to bring about the last decade of addiction.

Even though I quit soda in January, I was still drinking black tea every morning along with the occasional chai. 

After my bread/sugar crash extravaganza on Monday, and the way I felt on Tuesday because of it - I realized that I need to get rid of the caffeine demon too.

I meant to start that this weekend, but I ended up starting it yesterday.  Honestly, I thought it would go easier this time, because I was drinking so much less than when I quit before.  I was wrong.

I'm not going to lie.  It hurts.

My head is pounding, my appetite is crazy go nuts, I'm totally emotional, and I feel rather like jabbing sharp metal objects through my eye sockets and into my brain.

I know that one Dr. Pepper or cup of tea would make this pain go away.

I have to stay strong.  It has to get better than this.  My overall health is worth this transition.

Braiiiiiiinnnnnsss

-Seph

Persephone Outlines - How NOT to Follow Through with a Plan

Well, now I am taking Abby's post time - because she has some external stuff to deal with and I am sort of on internal implode.

I had a really hard and frustrating day at work yesterday, followed by my first therapy appointment in weeks.

Prior to yesterday, I'd never had a 90 minute therapy session.  I also can't even articulate the amount of anxiety I had managed to build up prior to the appointment itself.  (Though the people I talked to in that final 30 minutes have a good idea of it.)

The session itself was actually really positive.  My therapist pretty much rocks, and we got a lot of things hashed out and planned and outlined to get me back on track.

I left the office feeling drained but positive.

Then I left my sensei a rambling, nonsensical voicemail that luckily ran out of time so I was able to erase it and re-record a shorter, less rambling one.

And then - I just sort of realized that I couldn't handle the thought of going home.  I was too restless and rattled and spent, but also just pinging with free radical energy.

I called a friend.

I got to her house at about 8:20pm and then we went to dinner.

Want to know what happens when you eat pizza and ice cream and drink root beer after going off of grains and sugar and are totally also completely exhausted?!?

1.  You stay up and out too late.
2.  You finally get home and pass out as if drunk.
3.  You wake up feeling so hungover that you are surprised that you're not in some prison in Mexico.

Then, if you're at all like me, you spend the rest of the day feeling like crap, forget to eat because you feel like puking, blow off school, forget to cook dinner, and stay up way past bedtime making a "woe is me" post even though all of this is your own damn fault.

I would love to say "lesson learned" but let's be honest here...sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to this kind of thing.

I will say though that I am starting to look at bread like I tend to look at alcohol, which means I view it as a dangerous animal I want/need to stay far far away from. This perception of bread is probably awesome for me on a health scale, but makes the part of me that craves bread as comfort food very sad.

 
And on that happy/sad note.  I'm taking my 100lb head to bed.

-Seph

Abby keeps her word

I told Sephy I'd post for her today, especially considering I missed my own posting day due to crash after 11 hour work day.

Then things went crazycakes, and I lost my mind for a bit along with my post.

So, this is what I've been telling myself for the past few hours.
Yes, sometimes life sucks.  It gets hard and painful and things go wrong and people are upsetting and things break and I fail and I scream and cry and rage.  But I can.  I can because I'm still alive.  I have love and a roof over my head and food in my fridge and a job and that makes me far more fortunate than many people.

I'm alive and have life inside me.  Life that needs sleep.

Sweet dreams, folks.  I love you all for reading my rant.

Persephone admits - Just by posting right now I am off routine.

I was supposed to have this post written and posted an hour ago.

I probably wasn't supposed to accidentally go two days with only eating a few bites of food and then take a hot shower and almost pass out.

I also should probably know that the hours I spend reading about healthy yummy food is not actually a substitute for eating the healthy yummy food.

My subconcious needs to know that on Monday, my GPS is not going to become sentient and argue with me, nor will giant storms and trees hit by lightning and improbable geographical distances keep me from my much needed appointment.  (I hope.)

And the rest of me needs to get off this computer and get ready for bed so that I have a fighting chance of getting up on time tomorrow.

Disjointed post for the win?

Not likely.

-Seph

Abby - A Day Late, a Topic Short

Or:  The Magic of Makeup

I know, that sounds totally crazycakes.  However, according to the Flylady, one should always "get dressed to shoes."  Basically, the concept is that if you always get completely dressed, even putting on shoes, even if you're not going anywhere, you'll be ready for anything.  You act differently when you have clothes and shoes on.  Obviously the Flylady site is targeted at stay at home moms, but this baby step still applied to me.  You see, I don't wear makeup.  I don't feel like I really need it, and I prefer to sleep in that extra 15 minutes (because yes, it takes me that long to get it right.)  Unfortunately, getting all the way dressed was my Baby Step for Monday.

Let me back up a bit.  On Saturday, I was completely useless, unfocused, and at work.  It nearly brought me to tears, I was just that frustrated.  In desperation, I put on makeup on Monday.  Lo and behold, I was productive!  I tried again Tuesday.  Still productive!  Then again today and yes, productive once again!  It's most likely that in my morning preparations the act of putting on makeup is a psychological focusing of my mojo.  (technical term)  I prefer to imagine that the makeup is magical.  It is sparkly, after all.  Also, I'd rather not over think it, in case that makes it stop working.

Tomorrow, I wear makeup.  

In preggers news, I am now 9 weeks along and Zoidberg has graduated from embryo to fetus.  Zoids is a whopping one inch long and growing organs and muscles.  I've never felt so tired in my life.  I have literally fallen asleep sitting up.  (That's why I didn't post yesterday, actually.  I was snoring.)  

Speaking of which, I've a few things yet to do before I can sleep tonight, so I shall bid you all good night.

Persephone Discusses the Seduction of Free Time

In the 15 months I've been living by myself, I've learned a few things.  Some of them are more visibly useful, like learning how to cook - while others are a little more subtle.

It turns out that I am completely incapable of handling "downtime".  Well, I can handle it in small, measured doses, but not if I have a lot of it all at once.

I went from being "off book but productive", to just "off book" to, "off book with my head firmly up my ass".

School started again this past week, and I didn't even have schedules written for the first week because I had social engagements and appointments peppered all over the place. 

I've already scheduled my first final for April 22, so I knew I needed to get back on track.

Last night I did what I was supposed to do, I wrote out my schedules for the week.  I also made some "global" scheduling decisions so that my weeks are more similar from week to week, more routine oriented and less individualized.

Still, I went to bed last night feeling discouraged.  I couldn't even remember the last time I woke up on time, let alone went through my morning and evening routines.

I didn't sleep well.  I haven't been sleeping well, mostly due to crazy intense nightmares.

The alarm went off this morning, and I turned it off like I've done for the past few months, and almost rolled over and went back to sleep until the second round of alarms went off, also just like I've done for the past several months.  After that, I have been snoozing for an hour or more, barely making it to work on time,  let alone getting up on time on the weekends to be productive.

Lest I digress farther, let's go back to this morning.  The first alarm went off.  I turned it off.  I started to close my eyes, already resigned to another failed morning.

But...I didn't close my eyes. I grabbed my Nook, and read for the 15 minutes between the two sets of alarms.  (This is the first part of my morning routine.)

I got up at the second set of alarms.

I went through my routines.  I had breakfast.  I got through both of my scheduled school blocks.  I cleaned my kitchen.  I set up my food processor.  I made dinner.  I am writing my scheduled blog post.  At 9:15pm I will set myself up for the morning, and then I will spend my last hour reading, which is the last part of my evening routine.

Today was a successful day.

Tomorrow I have the chance to be successful too.

When I am scheduled so rigidly, work and school and my other school and bowling and tennis lessons and cooking and reading - I start longing for free time.  When I hear the siren song of said free time, I succumb to it, only to realize that it's not beneficial to me. 

Maybe someday I can strike a balance between being overly rigid and freefalling into no schedules at all, but for now, I realize that I more structure I give myself, the better I feel overall, and the more I succeed.

And that folks, is all I have to say on this tonight.

-Seph

Abby finally tries the Flylady

The first time I saw the word "Flylady" was on my friend's refrigerator about 5 or 6 years ago.  I don't remember which quote it was, but I do remember my friend talking about how awesome the Flylady's website was and it changed her life.

So, of course I didn't even look into it.  Picturing a buxom housefly in a blonde wig didn't inspire confidence.  My imagination sometimes works against me.

Off and on through the years I kept hearing about this Flylady and her awesome plan that changed people's lives.

Earlier today in an email from a friend of mine, I received some links to information specifically for pregnant women with ADHD.  Flylady was there, changing people's lives again.  I signed up.
I discovered FLY is an acronym for Finally Loving Yourself.  Nothing to do with insects.  Her site is for people suffering from CHAOS.  Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome.  That is so totally my house.

I like that us "Flybabies" (snort, Inorite, but still) start out with baby steps.  After all, our house didn't get this jacked up in one day, I can't possibly fix it in one day.  Tim is on board too, which is exciting.

Baby step one:  Shine my sink.  Done!  Feels pretty good, Flylady.  Yes it does.

Anyone care to join me?  It's free, just how I like it.

Abby's Gardening Glee

Tim and I bought a soil tester today.  We also checked out our local gardening store, and they have heirloom tomatoes!  So excited.  For those who don't know, heirloom plants are open-pollinating plants.  Commercially grown produce has to have certain characteristics in order to be successfully grown large scale and shipped all around the world without being damaged or going bad.  Many of those types have been genetically modified or artificially hybridized in some way.  Being hybrids, their seeds don't "breed true" very well.  so, you can't harvest seeds from your tomato plants and plant them successfully the next growing season, which is something I've been wanting to try.
Heirloom seeds are all the ones from smaller farms that have pollinated naturally and survived through natural selection.  These seeds used to be passed down through generations, but have become popular enough in the past few years to be more commonly found.  Seed Savers Exchange is a site I've been looking at recently.  The most exciting part of heirloom seeds for me is that they're all kinds of vegetables with odd characteristics and unique flavors that I've never had before.  For instance!

Cherokee popcorn

Pretzel beans

And who wouldn't want these pumpkins?!

First, however, we must prepare the soil.  As it was previously a perennial Zen garden, I think we'll have quite a bit of work before the soil is ideal for vegetables.  First we have to kill off all the weeds and grass that have overgrown the area.  Then, we find out what kind of soil is there.  According to The Harvest Gardener, the ideal soil for a vegetable garden is silt.  Most soils are a mixture of sand, clay, and silt.  The book calls this type of soil loam.   There are a couple tests I can do to find out soil composition (that doesn't involve calling in an expert.) I could fill a jar with water and drop some soil into it and watch how it settles.  Or, I could squeeze a handful of soil and see if it sticks together.  If so, it's mostly clay.  I think I'll try both.  After that, it's time to test the acidity with the soil tester.  Gardening is a bit more complex than I remember growing up.

In other news, Zoidberg is still doing well.  I just bought my first pair of maternity pants today.  I also got a comfy shirt for work.  I'm getting back into the swing of my pre-medication coping mechanism of making everything in my life into lists.  Tim just downloaded the Evernote app onto my phone.  He created a shared account for us.  It's a program we now have on all of our devices.  So far I really like it.  

Goodnight, folks.

Abby says - Thank goodness for first aid training

There I was, sitting at the netbook with these two books and getting ready to post about soil preparation and what happens during the 8th week of pregnancy (here's a hint:  nausea and being gassy cover just about all of it)

when my dear husband hands me this ball of soft fuzzeh kitteh

This is Ernie.  He gets into ALL the trouble.

I am to hold Ernie while Tim fixes the screen above the kitchen sink.  If not, Ernie will attempt to escape, and then be eaten by the feral kittehs in the alley.  For reals.

I have bad timing.

Me:  Can I let him go now?  He is squirmy.
Tim:  Yes, I got it.  Oh no wait I don't.
Me:  Too late, he escaped.  One sec, I'll grab hi-
Tim:  *Loud yelling, cursing, manly sounds of pain*
Ernie:  *screaming cat noises.  These are the worst ever.*

Turns out, Ernie was way faster than I.  As he almost got out the window, Tim grabbed him and the window shut on Ernie's paw.  Ernie was terrified and in pain and commenced to bite the everloving crap out of Tim's hands.  Blood was everywhere.

After a zillion apologies, good first aid training (thank you Girl Scouts), and lots of kitty treats, both husband and cat are doing fine.

My boys are survivors!

We'll call the doctor in the morning to see if he recommends antibiotics for Tim.  We're keeping an eye on Ernie, and so far he's not limping.  We'll call the vet tomorrow for their recommendation as well.

So, tomorrow (for really reals!) I'll be posting about preparing soil for our garden and the weird but true stuff going on in my god pod.

Goodnight, folks.


P.S.  The entire time I'm trying to get Tim to sit down and apply pressure to his bandage, he's trying to find Ernie to make sure he's alright first.  DAW!

Persephone's a little frustrated

Those of you who know me personally know that April Fool's Day is my least favorite day of the year, but I have to admit this totally cracked me up.

In other news, I was supposed to start my second semester today but my classes haven't been loaded yet, which means I lose an entire weekend study day.

That combined with just generally feeling glitchy the past couple of weeks has me a little cranky today.

I still need to write my schedules for the week, but I am feeling under-motivated.

/whiny post

She's Baaaaack...Abby Finally Posts

TA DA!

Hello, everybody!

This lovely little peanut sized fetus of joy is why I haven't been posting.  Specifically, that once I realized Zoidberg (yes, we've named the fetus Zoidberg, you shut up) existed, I had to immediately STOP TAKING MY MEDICATION.  Yes, I checked with my psychiatrist to make sure it was safe to quit "cold turkey" so to speak.  No allergy medicine, no ADHD medicine, no anti-anxiety medicine.  Sigh.  It's taken everything I have to keep functioning for the past 16 days (we found out I was pregnant on the 11th of March.)  Tim has been wonderful and understanding and patient and sober and this makes me very happy.

I got lost 3 times this week and it's only Tuesday and I've been living here since 2006.  I'm back to half-sentences.  I really miss my medicine, but I shall persevere.  Victory is mine!

I am 4 out of 7 dwarves most days (that's Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, and Sleepy, tyvm).

It's inevitable that I'll be blogging about life as a pregnant woman with ADHD.  However, that's not ALL I'll be blogging about.  It'll be all over the place.  Get used to it.

In other news, I've gotten to work on time or early every single day since I last posted...even once I went off my medication.  Routines for the WIN!

Zoidberg demands that I sleep now.  Goodnight!

Persephone Links You to Food

This is not so much a resource post as it is a jumping board for y'all to explore some other blogs or websites that I've found help me out as I learn this new lifestyle I'm working on.  I'll break these up into categories and make this a series.  Today we'll talk about food.

FOOD - "real food" / Paleo / planning:

Plan To Eat - This is hands down THE best meal planning site I have used.  You can import recipes from anywhere (easily) and share them with others.  You can also plan your meals using the planner, which generates your grocery list.  If you have the item on hand you can send it from the shopping list to your "pantry".  Lastly, if you are tired / hungry / out of options you can click the "Cook from my pantry" button and it will tell you what you can make with what you have on hand.

Paleo Plan - This site got me jump started into cooking / eating Paleo, though now I'm using Plan to Eat for most of my meal planning.

Nourished Kitchen - This is a great site for recipes and knowledge. Traditional cooking.

The Healthy Home Economist - Also traditional cooking, but this blog will also keep you apprised of what's going on in the real food movement, current events, big pharma, and how to heal yourself with food.

Mark's Daily Apple - Everything you need to know to go "primal" and find your inner Grok.  Food, fitness, science, play - this blog has it all.  Primal food based (close to Paleo).

The Bulletproof Diet - via the Bulletproof Executive, this is "upgraded Paleo"

The Food Lovers Primal Palate - Great resource for recipes!

My Food board on Pinterest - As I snag yummy recipes from the internet, I pin them there. 

OK, I think that covers the food basics.  Happy eating!

-Seph

Persephone says good night

I'm working on a "big" post, but didn't manage to get all of the data I needed in time to post it tonight.

In other news Abby Normal returns triumphnatly to the blog on Saturday.  (At least, that is what she told me.)

So, I'll be back on Sunday with loads of info.

-Seph

Persephone Discovers Biohacking - Consider Yourselves Warned

...alternate title would be "Persephone is Potentially One Step Closer to Taking Over the World"...

Sometimes I stumble upon something (like Akrasia) that makes me light up like a 5th grade science experiment.

Today it was BioHacking via The Bulletproof Executive.

My super simple explanation of biohacking, based on all of an hour or so of absorbing as much information as I can is this:

Hacking into your own biology to upgrade as a human!

Art by  http://tibots.deviantart.com and Cyberman copyright BBC

The Bulletproof Executive biohacks a lot of things, weight loss, muscle, nutrition, coffee...

AND SLEEP! 

He claims you can have optimal health / regenerative sleep in less than 5 hours per night.

A couple of you know that I am contemplating a DRASTIC sleep schedule change, where I would be AT work 15 minutes prior to my current wake up time, which would mean going to bed at an unreasonably early hour  (all to maximize sunlight hours while not failing out of college or losing my job), so the idea that instead of backing up my bedtime, I could actually just function on 5 hours of sleep is super intriguing.

Some of you also know that my uber awesome therapist is a sleep specialist.  She's also conveniently on maternity leave at the moment, and cannot swiftly kick me in the teeth on this one.

My boss says no, and I am pretty sure my sensei agrees, but I'm actually really intrigued by the science behind this and am not yet deterred, so stay tuned and I'll keep you all posted regarding any sleep hacks I actually try.

This could be fun!  *cue evil genius maniacal laughter*

-Seph

I'm so much cooler online

So I didn't get a whole lot accomplished this weekend in the physical world.  However, I did clean up the layout of this blog, edited the "about me" section, and added buttons for twitter and pinterest.  Feel free to add me.

http://pinterest.com/sephraynes/

https://twitter.com/#!/SephRaynes

I can tell you already that I'm hooked on Pinterest, so I hope y'all will follow me or least a couple of my boards.

Tomorrow morning I go back "on book".  I just finished writing my schedules and printing my recipes and putting the binder together.

I need to get going to bed, so I'll see you all on Tuesday.

-Seph

General Announcement

Persephone here - just writing in to let all of you know that Abby will be taking an extended break from the blog. 

Until she is back, I will be posting Tues / Thurs / Sun.

Thanks all.

-Seph

Persephone - Productive but off schedule

Sometimes when I get super focused on school, I tend to let my apartment get out of control.

And this time, I combined that with buying a lot of new items for my kitchen, because now that I cook, it would be nice if I had the tools to do it with.

Unfortunately, my kitchen is very tight on space - so this weekend I've spent a lot of time (with the help of awesome friends) trying to get a handle on things.

New Cookware and Hanging Shelves

I now have a place to hang my brand new stainless steel pots and pans, and even a shelf to get some of the spices off of my countertops.

Magnetic Knife Bar

My friend also mounted the above knife bar for me where I am hanging my new totally multi-colored knives.

I've also got a table that is holding the fruit juicer and blender, which will free up much needed counter space for my yet-to-be-opened food processor.

I've gotten rid of some sugary foods from an upper cabinet that allowed me to move the cooking oils and the smoothie supplies, which gives me a little more room in my "pantry" for food.

I have another huge cabinet to try to organize, and I do need to get the food processor and a couple of other things set up, but it's coming along.

The thing is - because these are projects that are happening as I can squeeze them in and have people help, it hasn't really been conducive to try and write my schedules around all of it.

I'm also free from school for the next couple of weeks, so I am pretty much going to be off "book" for the rest of this week and most likely next week, while I tame my household into something orderly and give my brain a little break from cramming for test.

I'd like to be back on schedule for the last week of March and then school starts back again on April 1st. 

Wish me luck as I try to stay routine oriented amidst all the "gray area"

-Seph

My post got eaten

Sorry guys, the long insightful post I originally wrote, complete with links and an audience participation portion got eaten by Blogger. 

Tune in Sunday where I'll do my best to recreate it, I just don't have it in me tonight.

-Seph

Persephone Takes Some Time to Reflect

March 2011:

School -  I was not enrolled anywhere and had no real plans to be enrolled.

Medical - In addition to my mood stabilizer, I was on two sleep meds and undergoing expensive neurological procedures to figure out why I couldn't sleep. No therapy.

Relationship - Single, and had just moved into my own place after the end of a five year relationship.

Mood stability - March was actually ok, but overall was still having a lot of ups and downs.

Cuisine - Hot dog quesadillas, frozen veggies, and restaurants.  Also at my top weight.

March 2012:

School - Just finished my first semester.  17 credits, 100% SAP.

Medical - No sleep meds, no insomnia, lowered dose of mood stabilizer. I have a fantastic therapist who has super powers over sleep.  (And no, I'm not just saying that because she might be reading.)

Relationship - Still single, and I like it that way.  Much more comfortable being on my own. (Though I've had some dating experiences in the past year.)

Mood stability - I honestly can not remember a time where I was this stable and happy for an extended period of time.

Cuisine - Learning to cook healthy whole foods for myself.  Eliminated sugar, grains, legumes, and most processed food.  Just bought new cookware that I can't wait to use.  I have lost 7 pounds in 5 weeks.

Abby's Status Update

I was reading back through previous posts and realized that I make all sorts of plans but don't really say much about how well those plans turn out.  So, here's an update on how I'm doing with all my amazazing plannage.

Music in the morning:  Not really happening.  However, I've gotten much better at getting to work on time.  I'd say I'm at about a 98% success rate.  I'm rather pleased.

Chore List:  That post was from the end of January, and Tim just now put up the white board.  We've been coasting along at our normal pace.  That's definitely something to focus on.

Medication:  I finally hit the perfect dosage, and it's been fabulous.

Project completion:  I'm slowly getting there.  The guilt from looking at all my unfinished crafts has tipped the balance in favor of getting things done.

Research on ADHD:  Nada.

Work:  It's AWESOME.  I'm so productive and getting things done and working on projects and getting noticed (in the good way) and I am SO HAPPY!  The downside is I have a rule about not working at home.  I am breaking that hardcore.

There you have it.

Did I forget anything?

-Abby

Persephone talks about mental health...

Yes, I know that my post titles are kind of silly, but hopefully it makes it a little easier to track between my posts and posts by Abby.

Today I saw my psychiatrist for the first time since October.  I went in there with every intention of transferring to a different psychiatrist (for financial reasons only) but that's not how it went down.

My psych is pretty much the best in the state.  He's also very expensive and not on my insurance.  This was ok because my therapist WAS on my insurance.

Well, when my therapist gets back from maternity leave, she won't be on my insurance either.  I've know that for a while.

THEN I got a letter that my already expensive psych was raising his rates. 

My sensei also happens to work for this group of psychs / therapists and suggested a new med doc that IS on my insurance, because I can't afford to be paying both Dr. B and Dr. R out of pocket.

So, my plan was to make a transfer.

Well, that didn't actually happen.  Dr. B would like me to stick it out with him, with med refills via phone (no cost) and I don't have to actually see him again until the end of September - where we decide if it's time for the great bipolar test.

It's late and I'm tired, so I'll explain the "test" in a later post. 

To be honest, I'm not at all sure what I've even feeling about all of this right now.

I think tired is trumping everything else at the moment.

-Seph

Persephone Ponders Akrasia

This was not a good week in terms of waking up on time.  I hate to keep harping on the whole sleep thing, but SO much would fall into place if I could just get consistent about it. 

There's a term for what I go through every morning - "Akrasia".  (Or if you want to use my friend V's term for it - "dummy jacked".)

For those who didn't go to the link, Akrasia is the principle of us acting against our better judgment.  When you reach for the sweets late at night, knowing that you'll regret it later, or stay up past bedtime to watch another episode of TV, or to finish reading a book, or talk on the phone, or whatever distraction it happens to be - even though you know you'll then oversleep or feel tired and icky all the next day, and yet you do it anyway - that is akrasia.

When I'm awake, fully, 100% awake, I'm more likely to overcome some of these moments, but when the alarm goes off at 6:15am, and I'm 99.9% still asleep, and I know in the back of my mind that technically I can hit snooze a few times and technically still make it to work- that's when I get dummy jacked the hardest.

Forget the "perfect week".  I can't even seem to manage a perfect day.

Sadly, the more days I fail to get up on time, the more I beat myself up This is counter productive because it feeds into the talk that I somehow don't deserve this new life that I am working so hard to achieve during all the other waking hours of my day.

And it's hard to give myself credit for the stuff I'm doing right when I am so bothered by what it is I'm failing to do right. 

So forget the "perfect week".  I'm nowhere near ready for that.

This week - starting tomorrow through next Sunday - I just want to achieve one day of getting up on time.  Just one. 

Baby steps are sometimes the only steps you can take.

-Seph

The knowledge, it fills me. It is neat!

Hey folks. Abby here.

I went to a lit convention today, so I've decided to drop some literary knowledge up in here.

I was lucky enough to get loads of author signed shwag and listen to presentations by Nick Bruel, Shannon Hale, and Phillip Hoose.  My favorite part of the whole day was getting to listen to 4 of our amazing local authors;  Saundra Mitchell, Christine Johnson, Mike Mullin, and Julia Karr.  Saundra's success story is the kind of future I hope for all my young patrons.  She is just the inspiration I needed to cheer right up.

It's not a secret that Sephy is a writer, so I asked the rockin' authors for some resources and advice to aid her on her way to the NY Times bestseller list.
On Writing by Stephen King and Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott were both recommended as excellent books about the writing process.
I was informed that most books on the topic of getting published aren't very helpful, but critique groups are fabulous.  The following is a list of critique group, support, and networking websites recommended by my new friends the really awesome authors who I wish were my friends.

Websites for all authors:  Absolute Write, Figment, and Critique Circle.
Just for teens:  Inkpop and Pulse It.
Specifically for authors of children's books:  Verla Kay and The Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators.
Once you're ready to send out those query letters, Query Tracker is an excellent database of literary agents and publishers.

I leave you with a ridonkulus image* from Shannon Hale's presentation.  It was right after lunch and she felt we were a bit too sleepy.  She convinced over 100 librarians, media specialists, and educators to stand up and sing "the Princess Pat."

Awesomesauce

*An image that I forgot to attach and now realize it doesn't live up to the story as I told it.  The video does, though.  No, you can't see it.

Stop the roller coaster, I want to get off

Today has alternated between win and fail with enough intensity to give me whiplash.  Srsly, yo.  I'm not going to get into it, but suffice it to say I'm drained and it's after midnight and my medicine has worn off and I'm having trouble finishing sentences, let alone entire topics.  Also, my cat keeps biting my fingers.

I was planning to write about getting stuck in ruts and how things are cyclical and how to recognize that and fix it and so on.  Unfortunately I've tried to start it about 8 times now.  At the moment I can't really remember the point that pulls it all together.  It's nearly 1 AM and I have to bring my car into the shop at 7 AM.  That issue is one reason I haven't posted until now.  Also, I couldn't connect to the wifi at my sister's place.  In the past I would have sat here for another 2 hours desperately trying to remember what I wanted to say.  Then I'd have overslept and rushed to work without getting my car fixed.  This time I choose to do the responsible thing and go to bed.  It may not seem like much, but it's a pretty big step for me to put my needs first.  It doesn't happen often.

Sweet dreams,

Abby

Persephone says - Take Two

OK, so I started off the Perfect Challenge week fine, but then I got really sick, and sort of checked out of the universe for a few days to recover.

Because I didn't want to have to wait until Weds morning to make a second attempt, I decided to align my sleep tracking with everything else going on, which is Sunday - Saturday.

This means I started over this morning, and I'm happy to say I was successful at getting up.

Now to just keep it going throughout the week.

Wish me luck!

-Seph

Persephone Introduces - The "Perfect Week" Challenge

Since Abby gracefully agreed to take my Sunday spot last weekend, I am unceremoniously taking her Tuesday spot. Go me!

 So those of you who have been following along know that I have come to the conclusion that:

My day only works when I get up on time!

Since I don't remember the last day I ACTUALLY got up on time, I invented a game for myself that starts tomorrow morning.  *cue dramatic music*

THE PERFECT WEEK CHALLENGE!

1. Wake up with the FIRST alarm for 7 days in a row.  This means 6:15am on weekdays and 7:15am on weekends.

2. Track my sleep numbers to prove it.  (I do this anyway).

3. Submit my scanned sheet of successful awesomeness (<-- note my positive thinking) to my "accountability person" (normally my therapist, but she's on maternity leave).

4. REWARD MYSELF (TBD)

5. Wash, rinse, repeat for the next week.

****************************

Now, I don't plan to reward myself every week for doing this, but I will for the first week definitely, and if I can stretch it to two weeks I'll reward myself again, but by the end of three weeks I'm hoping it's just second nature and I'll stop having to bribe myself.

I am not going to talk about what happens if I don't make it through this "Perfect Week" challenge, because I can DO this!

(I can do this, right?)

Get Angry, then Carry On.

My life is unpredictable, to say the least.  I've been out of commission for a few days, but my family and I are doing better.

I'm sure you have something in your life that throws you for a loop, harshes your mellow, screws up your life plan.  This is how I get back on my feet after life goes all crazycakes.

1.  The crazy happens.
2.  I make it worse.
3.  I feel sorry for myself.
4.  I mope, continuing to feel sorry for myself, deciding that I'm not going to get up at all.  If I do get up, I'm not the least bit productive, spending all my awake time staring at some kind of screen.
5.  After a length of time directly proportional to the severity of the insanity, I get pissed off.  I think, "Are you going to just sit there and be a bum when there's stuff to do?"
6.  I answer myself.  The answer is yes, yes I am going to just sit here.

I'd like to say I meditate, or say the serenity prayer, or give myself a pep talk.  I do none of these things, though I probably should.  Nope, I get mad.  I yell at myself.  If I'm doing well, it's all in my head.  If not, I probably scare the crap out of my husband, my cats, and my neighbors.  Then, I pick something in the house on which to direct my energy and attack it.  While I declare war on dirt, my husband helps when he can, stays out of the way otherwise, and makes sure I remember to eat.  He's really good at that.
Now I'm exhausted, still a bit irritated at myself, but I have really shiny floors.  There is no dust in my living room.  We have shrink wrapped the windows.  After a couple more days I'll have gotten over The Event and can examine things from a calmer distance.  Then I figure out what I can change to avoid the same problem in the future.

The most important part of the entire process happens at the very end.  It's happening as I type this, actually.  I forgive myself.  I have grand plans of perfection and orderliness which don't turn out how I want, and that is ok.  I don't have to be perfect, I only want to do the next right thing.  Now I'm going to admire my sparkly sparkly floors and go to bed.

-Abby

Persephone asks - How do you know if any of it is working?

I'm not overwieght, so I don't tend to see rapid vast physical results from changing diets like some people do.

When I don't have routines, plans, menus or schedules - I still function.  I am an expert at base survival.  I do my job, I tend to make my school deadlines no matter how backed into a corner I am, I get a little sleep, I see my friends a little, I read books and watch TV.

So how do I know if any of this stuff is working?  I can't measure brain function on a scale.  I can't afford expensive blood work to know if the diet is helping. 

So again - how do I know?  How do I measure?

Well, it's the little things.

Waking up, while still not easy, is easier.

I've been more focused on school.

Work productivity is increased and I turn around tasks faster than ever.

The amount of information I process in a day has vastly increased, but I don't feel overwhelmed. (More on this particular point on Sunday).

I feel clearer, calmer, more in control of my moods, and less prone to ups and downs during the day.

But the number one measure of my success?

PLOT IDEAS

I have managed to free up enough of my brain that I am marinating plot ideas, titles, even cover designs in my head.

For me this is HUGE!  THIS is what I am doing it all for, to be perfectly honest. 

In order for me to be the best version of myself, I have to be creating.  It is what my heart and soul are on this planet to do.

I feel like this is only the tip of the iceburg.  I want to eventually drop from 1 caffeinated tea a day to no caffeine, and to get to where I can cut dairy out for at least 30 days. 

I want the days I get up ON TIME to be the norm, and the days I hit snooze to be the rarity, instead of it being the other way around.

I already write every day, but I want to go beyond just writing for practice and go back to writing for passion.

I can do this, and I need this here to remind of that when it all goes a little wonky sometimes.

-Seph

Abby is about to share something she didn't plan to talk about

Things don't often go as planned.  I've got to remind myself of that and be less hard on myself when plans go awry.

I didn't post last night because I was helping a friend deal with some things, and then I forgot it was Tuesday. It happens.  Well, at least it happens to me.

I'm not posting about routines or morning soundtracks or listing chores this evening because I am dealing with an alcoholic husband who has relapsed.  This wasn't ever going to be a blog topic, but it is a major part of my life.  My experience, strength, and hope might help someone else out there.  Yep, I'm in Al-Anon, if anyone recognizes that bit of program talk right there.  I'm sure I'll actually have something helpful to say about it once a few days have passed.

I ask you to pray to whatever you believe in that this is a small relapse and he gets back on track very soon.

Things Persephone Has Learned About Cooking

So I have been cooking "real" meals for about 3 or 4 weeks now, and here are some things I have learned:

1. My kitchen sucks.  Seriously, when I moved into this apartment, my friends who are cooks looked disdainfully at my kitchen, but I (total bachelor) waved them off, because the kitchen at the time was the least of my concerns.  Now I am stuck with it until April 2013.

2. My dishwasher sucks even more. OK, I knew this before I started "cooking" but now it's just more aggregious due to the fact that I have to run it practically every day now.

3. I produce a lot of waste.  I have never had to take the trash out this often before.  I live on the third floor.  This is not happiness in my tone.

4.  I lack essential tools.  Things I have recently acquired - spices (all of them), cooking oils, a crock pot, a weber grill, knives that are not nearly as good as I need them to be, a muffin tin, skewer, special produce saving tupperware, and a garlic press.  Things I still need - a large skillet, a cast iron skillet, a food processor, a potato peeler, a veggie slicer, a food dehydrator (for jerky), a second crock pot, MUCH better knives, oh and about 10 years of previous kitchen know how, but I think I'm SOL on that last one.

5.  I do not suck at cooking.  I mean, I'm nothing fantastic, but so far all of my food has been edible, most of it has even been yummy, and none of it has made me sick or tried to kill me.  I count that as a win.

And since I like lists that end in multiples of five, I think that's all I've got for tonight. 

-Seph

Persephone asks - what happens when it all goes to hell?

I had the best of intentions for my four day weekend.  Especially for today, which had a lot of time allotted for school.

But you see...yesterday I had a therapy appointment.  This is not rare, I have them weekly, sometimes more than weekly, but this was a little different.  In yesterday's session, which is likely my last one until my therapist comes back from maternity leave, some pretty big lightbulbs went off - for instance, WHY I have so much trouble with habits and routines, why I default to survival mode instead of bridging the gap into being successful and flourishing, and a couple of other things I am not going to talk about in this blog, due to its public nature.

So you would think that today I would have been more motivated to stay on track, stick to my written schedule, and push myself (gently) closer to successful instead of just surviving.  You would think that, but you would be wrong.

Instead, I overslept by three hours, I skipped both blocks of school, I'm writing this when I should be working out, and I have a sink full of dishes I should be attending to, but I'm not.  My optimistic explanation is that I'm taking a mental health day, that I simply just needed to take the day to process, that tomorrow I will do better, that tomorrow I will be better.

I re-worked tomorrow's schedule, to give myself some school time to make up for the time I am losing today, but that's all dependent on one thing - waking up on time. 

Now I haven't talked about my sleep issues much on this blog.  Most of you do know that I struggle with waking up on time.  I got some enlightenment on that yesterday as well.

What a lot of you don't know is that this time last year I was on sleep medication, I was wearing ear plugs every night, I was in the midst of extensive neurological testing, and I was plagued as I have always been with nightmares.

Long before my therapist led me to the kind of breakthroughs I had yesterday she worked on my sleep.  That's actually her specialty.  (We joke that she has super powers over sleep, but I am actually pretty convinced she does.)  By the time I came to her I was actually on two different types of sleep meds, and I was messed up.  At that time I didn't get up on time because I physically couldn't.  There was too much fog and too many chemicals to fight off.  Too much anxiety and fear, too much doubt and uncertainty, and too little confidence.

So now I have the physical ability to fall asleep on my own, and to get up when the alarm goes off.  What stops me from waking up on time now is purely psychological, and the revelations I had yesterday should be enough for me to talk myself through the mornings, into getting up instead of giving up in ten minute increments at a time.

It's especially hard considering that the coping method I was taught growing up is to "take a nap" when I am stressed or overwhelmed.  That's the exact opposite of what I need to be doing right now, but 32 years of a habit, of a "default", is awfully hard to change.

I am hoping, by writing this down, by getting it out of my brain and into the written word, tomorrow I'll  be a little less overwhelmed, and can find the strength and self love it will take me to get up with that first alarm and tackle the day like an adult who has their shit together. 

Because, in the end - my day only works when I get up on time.

Abby Abby bo Babby banana fana fo Fabby, me my mo Mabby, ABBY!

First, a great big thank you to everyone who commented on my last post with song suggestions.  Those are always welcome, so keep them coming!

I have a complaint.  My husband (there are some who call him....Tim?) is trying to make me eat an orange with my lunch, and I do not want it!  He always packs more food than I'll eat.  Just in case, he says.  You never know when an apocalyptic event might occur, and you will want that orange.  The orange which I've brought home uneaten every day for a week now.  There isn't enough room in my stomach for both the orange and the chocolate I have stashed in my desk.  Besides, it's so much work to peel the thing.  I could get juice in my eyeball, and then what would I do?  Eyeballs are essential to my work.  He's threatening drastic measures.  I'm not sure what that means, but I fear it.  He said something about "smiley faces", and I'm worried.

On a more serious note (I've always wondered what note that would be.  I think it'd be a very low one, like The Mystic Chord in The Dark Crystal), Tim and I have recently changed from a two income household with two vehicles to a one income household with one vehicle.  We realized this would change the budget and our schedules, but we didn't realize the magnitude of it all until this evening. It went like this:

Me:  I know I said I'd clean the bathroom, but I'm really damn tired after working all day and I'm kinda jealous because you take naps and hang with the cats and do laundry and dishes and cook and that's awesome but really I don't think it's fair that I work 8 straight hours with a 30 minute lunch and two breaks and you get a 4 hour nap and Skyrim every day.  We need to reevaluate this shit, yo.

Tim:  Ok.

Me:  This is going to be an awesome subject for my blog post tonight and we can list all the stuff we have to do daily and weekly and monthly and divide it up equally and then I can blog about my method and you could be a guest blogger so we can compare the similarities and differences between them and it'll be AWESOME.

Tim:  Breathe.  I don't blog.

Me:  Can I ask you questions and then blog about your method for you?

Tim:  Ok.

So, we're going to make this list tomorrow evening.  Then I'm going to do all the deciding and he's going to be all silent and agreeable until 6 months later when he blows up because he actually thought it unfair at the time but is so terminally polite that he can't bring himself to say his opinion out loud in the moment even when I ask him to because that is how we do things in our house.  Or I'll poke and prod him into making some of the decisions and ask him eleventeen times if he's really positively alright with the chore division because I'm paranoid that he's not telling me how he really feels and it'll turn into a long discussion (meaning I'm the only one talking) about communication styles and how we have to meet each other halfway and I don't really feel like he's participating in the conversation.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Also also, Tim went to the used bookstore today and got these:

Guess what we're going to do this year