Persephone asks - How do I integrate people?

This post is shamefully backdated, and might be a bit all over the place.  I have had a roller coaster week, and I have to make some changes.

First of all, reading and hearing about how Abby and I are helping others with routines is inspiring and also makes me feel like a hypocrite.

The first week of the new routines I hit 96% sleep efficiency, but it’s gone downhill from there.  Last week it dropped to 85% and the routines were out the window for all but one day.  I’m not just talking the wake up time, though that was most of it, but also little pieces I clipped out here and there, like physical therapy (at night AND in the morning), make up, the reading and writing, and even a shower or two. 

All in all it comes down to accountability.  No one lives with me.  No one knows if I did my routine or not, except for me, and I am incredibly adept at rationalizing and making excuses that I will believe. 

To that end, I am taking the “list” of my routine and turning it into a “chart”, and I will check off the pieces I completed that day in an attempt to intimidate inspire myself to be more consistent.  Since I see my therapist weekly until the end of the year, I can take them to her for additional accountability. 

I’m also running out of time.  I need to be very close to habitual about this stuff by the time January rolls around, as I’m going to have to restructure a lot of my support network, and won’t have as much access to professional help.

What does this have to do with the subject line?

I have not figured out how to integrate being social while maintaining my routines.  School totally didn’t happen this week.  I made a post saying I was going to be away from my phone after 8pm and didn’t manage to follow through.  I let getting upset over something early in the week affect the next couple of mornings.

I need to become more consistent, and in order to do that, I need to become more self-contained for a while.  I need my evenings to be free of distraction so that I feel like I have time to do all the things for ME that need to be done so that the mornings work, and I need the mornings to work so that I have energy in the evenings to DO all the evening things with full focus, and all of this while getting back into the habit of school.

I have a week to learn an entire math course. 

This level of selfishness needs to continue at least until I’m solid enough that I can work in spontaneous plans without total derailment.

I need to respect myself enough to say no to things that don’t support these goals.

All of this is very hard for me to do.

*sigh*

-Seph